Laughter

The Sermon
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."



No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."





Customer Service
I am not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and could not find a space with a meter, he put a note under his wind shield wiper that read " i have circled the block ten times , if i don't park here, i will miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a police citation along with this note. " I've circled this block for ten years, if i don't give you a ticket , i will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."



Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome ."



Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.



Late Night Quips
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno