Generous Lawyer
A local
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?"
"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said, ‘Who wants some of this?"
"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
Under18
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.
“Why so many?” asked the bartender.
“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
Catholic Girl
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.
The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in
The sister said, "Very good then."
The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."
The sister replied, "Good job to you."
The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."
Sister Marie fainted on the floor.
The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."
The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"
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